There’s No App for This

I pulled the Jury Duty card this morning and at one point wasn’t sure if I was in the middle of jury selection or an SNL skit.

Defense Lawyer: “Has anybody had what they might consider a negative experience with law enforcement?”
Juror 6: <snickers, waves a hand in the air, and looks over at the rest of us> “Oh, honey!”

Now, most of the questions and answers to this point were extremely mundane. Lots of “where do you work?” and “how many kids do you have?”

But this? I was officially sitting up straight and leaning forward.

Defense Lawyer: “Juror 6? You indicate you might have had a negative experience with law enforcement?”
Juror 6: “Mmmmm-hmmm.”
Defense Lawyer: “Um, Juror 6, can you elaborate for the court?”
Juror 6: “Broke my door down. That count?!”
Defense Lawyer: “Juror 6, um …” (Dude is clearly flummoxed)
Juror 6: “I mean, I don’t do that no more! Nooo ohhhh! I tried tellin them that, but they busted on in anyway!”
Defense Lawyer: “Um, so, you indicate you might have a criminal record. Without elaborating — I don’t want to embarrass anybody here today — um …”
Juror 6: “Oh, honey! You can’t embarrass me. It was drugs. I USED to sell ’em. I don’t any more.”
Defense Lawyer: “Oh, okay, thank you Juror 6. Would you say these were, um, misdemeanors? Or felonies? Uh …”
Juror 6: “Both! But Jesus set me straight, ummmm-hmmmm.”
Defense Lawyer: (Standing to address the bench) “Your Honor, I’d like to move to dismiss Juror 6” and the gavel raps before he even says “juror 6” and the judge says “Dis-MISSED!”

But the great part is that then Juror 6 stood up with a big grin, chuckling to herself, saying something under her breath.

I resisted a profound urge to clap. And to buy her a cup of coffee.

She was awesome.

Latest Comments

  1. mcintirejd says:

    Oh Lord, I could write a book about my jury duty experiences – which are extensive. You can only be called every two years and every two years and one day, I get a letter. I’ve sat through voire dire three or four times and served on one jury that actually went all the way through a trial and delivered a verdict. The best story was when they had 15 of us going through voire dire to get a 6-person jury for a DUII case. The first question the defense lawyer asks is “Before we get too far into this, just a quick poll, how many of you think that my client is probably guilty?” I almost laughed out loud until I looked around and saw virtually every hand go up. It was the FIRST question, we hadn’t picked a jury, much less heard a single detail of the case and 13 of the 15 potential jurors were already voting guilty! The lawyer sees me and the one other person with our hands down and asks the woman, “You, ma’am, why don’t you think my client is guilty?” The woman just says, “Well, we’re all innocent until PROVEN guilty.” Simultaneously 13 people lower their arms, look around at the ceiling and act like they hadn’t really raised their hands – they were just itching their heads. Unbelievable.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. renaedarlene says:

    That’s hysterical!


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